Remembering The '78 Terrorist Bombing of Cincinnati Ohio

The Working Dead

How Hockey Changed An Iraqi Family

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US .

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babthingy gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry? !!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"

Perils of Being a Catholic

As I walked down the busy footpath knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those

unfortunate, homeless street people that are found in every city these days.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling my old parish priest, Father Dominic, who always admonished me to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked’; I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags; my heart was touched by this person’s condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, ‘Reach out, reach out and touch this person!’

So I did…….

I won’t be at Mass this Week

Medical Doctors Reactions on Obamacare

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but

The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it, but

The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while

The Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while

The Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and

The Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter".

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington

Trojan Condoms

What company in their right mind would call their product Trojans?

During the Greek war, the Trojan horse entered through the city gates of Troy, broke open and loads of little guys came out and messed up everyone’s day.

Name That Movie

I have Dish Network and the one thing I have noticed is that the one line description of the movies they show does not always describe the movie accurately.  And so I began to have a little fun with the idea as well and came up with alternative descriptions to 25 movies

1. A factory owner gives people a job

Schindler’s List

2. Two brothers fight over their fathers love

Thor

3. Two women visit the Grand Canyon

Thelma and Louise

4. A couple learns to love one another again

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

5. Government builds a wall to keep out illegal aliens

Pacific Rim

6. A man kills another man and takes over his life

The Santa Clause

7. A couple finds true love during war time

Empire Strikes Back

8. A bunch of drunk guys go fishing

Jaws                  

9. A man becomes King of a nation

Lord of the Rings – Return of the King

10. A father raises his son after his wife is murdered

Finding Nemo

11. A young girl works in a bath house to pay off a debt

Spirited Away

12. An elderly woman loses some jewelry while on vacation

Titanic

13. A woman is rescued from kidnappers and marries the man who saved her

Shrek

14. Man goes to the airport to pick up his wife

Die Hard 2

15. A civil war destroys an entire planet

Transformers

16. A man with a heart condition changes his life

Ironman

17. A detective works with a Hollywood actor to find a killer

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

18. Two girls visit their mother at the hospital

My Neighbor Totoro

19. A little girl gets lost in a factory

Monsters Inc.

20.  A farm boy moves away from home to become a fighter pilot

Star Wars Episode 4

21. A woman is murdered by the same girl who also killed her sister

The Wizard of Oz

22. A city newspaper reporter leads a double life

Superman

23. Prisoners try to escape from a military prison

The Great Escape

24. A man’s battle to give up smoking

Constantine

25. A group of guys go to a bar, get drunk and start fighting

The World’s End

Dating Habits Around the World

A comical look at dating habits from a few countries around the world.

Anglo-Saxon Women:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to.

Irish Women:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Italian Women:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

Chinese Women:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.

Indian Women:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

Mexican Women:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She’s pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister’s boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

Jewish Women:

First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.

Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.

Third Date: You’re broke, she finds someone wealthier.

Arab Women:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.

Best Joke EVER!!!!!!!

Comedy Central

Pope's New Soda

Same Situation - Different Responses

Japan Tokyo:

A man accidentally tore a girl’s short miniskirt in Tokyo. Before he had a chance to apologize, the girl did a 90 degree bow, and said: “I am sorry to give you trouble! The quality of my skirt is not good.” Then she took out a pin, put the skirt back together and left.

New York City, Time Square:

A man accidentally tore a girl’s miniskirt. Before he had a chance to react, the woman pulled out a business card and gave it to him saying: “This is my lawyer’s card. He will contact you about this sexual harassment. Better you prepare yourself and then we will see you in court.”

Paris, France:

A French man accidentally tore a girls’ miniskirt. Before he opened his mouth, the young girl said with a smile: “If you do not mind, a red rose can represent your apology.” The French man bought her a rose and then they went to a bar, and lastly went to a hotel discussing what was in the miniskirt.

Thames, England:

In the Church Square by Thames, an English man accidentally tore the mini skirt of a young lady. Before he could open his mouth, the young lady covered her torn spot, then said with a blush on her face: “Do you mind taking me home sir? I live very close by…” The English man took his jacket off, put it on her shoulders, called a cab and took her home safely.

China, Chong Qing, China:

A man accidently cut open the miniskirt of a young lady. Before the man could say anything, the young lady slapped the guy and shouted. “You, sex maniac. Dare to take advantage of me; I will make sure you go to the labor camp…”

Taiwan Shimending:

A man accidentally tore a girl’s short miniskirt. Before the guy could say a word, the girl smiled and said: “We have not settled on the price yet, and do you want to inspect the merchandise?”

Korea:

On the street of Yinchong, a man accidentally tore a girl’s miniskirt. Before the man could speak, the girl gave him a round kick and then said: “Don’t you know that I have a second degree black belt in Tai Kwan Dao.”

Bangkok, Thailand:

A man accidentally tore the miniskirt of an 18 years old girl. Before the man could apologize, the girl said with a Buddha hand gesture: “No worries honey …we are all men.”

And in India:

A man accidentally tore the miniskirt of a girl. Before he could say anything Politicians of all parties pounced on him and accused him of attempted rape and started panel discussion on what to do with him.

What A Woman Never Says

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember.

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!

5. ?!?

6. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming?

8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today.

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!

And of course, the best one......

10. Who is this?

A Bill for $0.00

On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he Had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing check for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY checks they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the  gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate’s Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose checks had been bounced on the day our friend’s had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant’s court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

Bar Stool Economics: Explaining America's Tax Code Using Beer

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100 and they paid the bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh would pay $7.

The eighth would pay $12.

The ninth would pay $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.”

So drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free…but what about the other six men – the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’. They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before…and the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,”declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,” but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!”

“That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics

University of Georgia

What Do These Seven Words Have in Common

See if you can figure out 

1. Banana

2. Dresser

3. Grammar

4. Potato

5. Revive

6. Uneven

7. Assess

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Getting Out of a Speeding Ticket

Two local traffic patrol officers from Havelock, North Carolina were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on Highway 70.

One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 500 mph.  Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to an F-22 Raptor fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the area and heading towards the ocean.

Back at police headquarters the Sheriff fired off a stiff complaint to the Base Commander at the Cherry Point Marine Air Station.

Back came the reply in true Military style:

‘Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident.  You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the F-22 had detected the presence of and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.  Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your radar equipment

Fortunately the pilot flying the Raptor recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was narrowly able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was totally destroyed.

Have a nice day.’

Perks At Being Old

01. Kidnappers are not interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, “did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Bob the Chicken

Your Shoes Can Tell Your Age

…..try this and see if it works for you:

· 1. Take your shoe size.
· 2. Multiply it by 5.
· 3. Add 50.
· 4. Multiply by 20 …
· 5. Add 1012.
· 6. Subtract the year you were born…

· The first digit is your shoe size, while the last 2 digits are your age.

Smoking Ferrari

Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack

Man: $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you smoke?

Lady: No

Man: Then where's your Ferrari?