Zero Point (part 2)

In regards to my resent post about my very first friend I ever had led me to a lot of soul searching and basically going to zero point. Its a little exercise I do whenever I feel like I’m stressing out. Basically I just mentally remove every little thing about me and everything around me until I get to the core of who I am. Then, just like building a Lego set, I put everything back into the order it needs to be in. Or another way is I just defragment my head until everything is back in its place.

The bottom line is that a huge barrier I am going through in dealing with my first friend is nearly over. It took a while and a lot of listening to the CD ‘Are You Fried Chickenz’ by Gackt . Hey I relax better listening to Rock music. Soft relaxing music puts me to sleep leaving me no time to think things through to whereas Gackt’s music keeps me awake and thinking clearly. But after several hours I came to an obvious conclusion.

I had a dear friend who never really knew that she was my first true friend. We had a great time together that ended when I got stupid and ruined it. I put hate into her and caused her to make major changes in her life. I ran away trying to forget everything but ended up burying all this unresolved pressures. She’s happily married for over 16 years now to where as I’ve been married for 15 years. She’s OK; the stress is of my own doing. And as the final conclusion presented itself was like cold water splashed in my face. ‘Just get over it.’

I love the life I have now and don’t plan on damaging it. The life I live is of my own making. No matter what life throws at me it is how I respond to it that made me; well me. A long time ago I ran away from taking responsibility of my actions and allowed a small ticking time bomb to slowly grow as it waited for an opportune time to explode and to force me to make stupid decisions. But instead I had grown up.  To be a mature person taking responsibility is tough when the kid inside wants to hide but no matter what tests might be thrown at me, it is not that important to destroy the life I have created with the family I have been blessed.

In all; I wish Jeanette the best for her. If she still holds a grudge against me then so be it for I deserved it. But I do not plan on going to her home and drag her through a mind field of pass memories and regret just to win her forgiveness. Nor do I plan to wallow in misery and sorrow and stalk her like some crazed psychopath. Like ships that sail through the night, in this case one’s life, she may have forgotten all about me. I’m willing to live with that.