RE: Gala Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis,
Human Resources Director
TO: All
Employees
DATE: October 1,
2012
I am happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols... feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis,
Human Resources Director
TO: All
Employees
DATE: October 2,
2012
RE: Gala Holiday
Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to
any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no
Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis,
Human Resources Director
TO: All
Employees
DATE: October 3,
2012
RE: Holiday
Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if
I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are
allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
 |
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis,
Human Resources Director
To: All
Employees
DATE: October 4,
2012
RE: Generic
Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are!
I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of
Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon
at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you
to take it home.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men,
each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's
table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill
House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns
about confusion in the restrooms.
Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of
salt used in the food .
The Grill House
suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert
for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.
Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis,
Human Resources Director
TO: All F...... Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill
House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest
from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get
your f***** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings,
too. They scream when you slice
them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f***** weirdo’s can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop,
Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
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