Words of Wisdom

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.6 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

25. If you stand on a toilet are you high on pot.

26. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

27. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?

28. If a man runs behind a car will get exhausted...if he runs in front of car he will get tired.

29. If FedEx and Ups merged, would they call it Fed UP?

30. Ham and eggs: a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

31. There once was a dog named Tax. I opened the door and income Tax.

32. There are three ways a man wears his hair: parted, unparted or departed.

33. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. “Sometimes age comes alone”

34. Never say, "Give me a break" to a Black Belt in Karate.

35. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.